By HADLEY FREEMAN
Fashion should be about self-expression, not worrying about what pleases men – if they don't like it that's too damn bad, says style expert Hadley Freeman, left. Here she offers her wardrobe wisdom to help you feel more confident and look even better
BAGS and why we love them
Women love bags for the same reasons they love shoes: they don't make you feel fat, you don't have to get undressed to try them on, size is either a non-issue or simply not related to your stomach, and they don't necessarily suit Kate Moss any better than you. Get one with a strap just long enough to shove on to your shoulder or hold in your hand. Don't be an idiot and get one in suede, cotton, canvas or some other non-waterproof fabric that you have to worry about getting dirty. You can find perfectly decent bags on the high street but they tend either to look like they're made for 13- year-old girls or for Her Maj herself.
This is yet another reason, on top of the more obvious status symbol cachet, why more and more women are forking out for designer handbags. Plus you will probably give your bag more of a battering than you will a summer dress, so it is worth spending a little bit more on something that is well made and won't fall apart after three outings and one rainfall. A smidgen of practical justification – but just a smidgen, mind.
DRESSES: God's gift to women
There is no garment more liberating to women than a dress (except maybe a nice hotel bathrobe, but we're not allowed to go to work in those yet). A good dress will never make you feel fat, can be worn with flats or heels, and everybody can find a style that suits them. None of these statements can be applied to trousers, which squeeze round your waist and thighs, often make your bum look the size of Ecuador and slip down ever so immodestly when you sit – and yes, I am including jeans in these criticisms. With judicious layering you can wear a summer dress all year round, and the fact that you need to deal with only one garment in the morning is the sartorial icing on this fashion gâteau.
To the old rule "the higher the hemline, the lower the heel," one could add "the higher the hemline, the longer the sleeves", merely to compensate in terms of flesh coverage. The joy of most dresses lies in their kindness to most body types by sculpting them into a more flattering shape. (Warning: the wrap dress is, contrary to popular belief, kind only to the chosen few. If you have a curvy bust, narrow waist and flattish stomach, well done, you have found your uniform. If you fall short in any of these departments, its much praised jersey fabric manages to be both unflatteringly clingy and immodestly loose.)
JEWELLERY and when fashion just gets obnoxious
There is no point to real jewellery except to show off how rich you are. The only excuse would be if you were living in some soon-to-be-toppled economy where you had to convert your life savings into something that wouldn't be worthless tomorrow. All too often women think that if they're going to get the jewellery out they may as well go the whole hog – a statement piece. Think oversized clanging earrings, hideous brooches, whacking great necklace dangling down a cleavage. Accessories are the sprinkles on a cake – there to improve, not form the whole meal. They are not essential and, when done badly, definitely an over-sweetened detriment. But when employed with a sage and delicate hand they make the difference between generic blandness and decorative indulgence.
HEELS: The highs, the lows – and when fat is better than thin
The whole theory behind heels is that men, allegedly, find them sexy. A spindly spike creates the illusion that the woman is an airy Tinkerbell-like creature who can float through the air, carried only by toothpicks beneath her feet, such is her lightness. The brilliant thing about the thick heel is that it doesn't look like you're trying so hard to be sexy and this, in itself, is sexier. There is something undeniably tragic about seeing a woman teeter about on her spindly heels all in the name of male approval, whereas a woman who wears thick heels oozes confidence.
The stiletto is the oddest concept, and it would have been interesting to see how it was first pitched: "Hey, I know, guys! Let's make shoes that force women to walk on their tippy-toes all day. Crank up the machines!" And yet, here we are, hundreds of millions of women hoisting themselves daily on to the balls of their feet in the name of fashion, spending hundreds of pounds on shoes they literally cannot walk in. Stilettos make women: a) grumpy, b) lazy (due to immobility), and c) pathetically slow. This is not to deny that high heels can be fun.
Yes, they're glamorous and yes, they're quite fun to dance in for a few minutes. But there are so many pretty, dainty flats to wear to parties, and you'll dash about like a veritable dynamo, leaving men in your wake wondering who that fabulous creature was. Wear stilettos and you'll spend the evening slumped uncomfortably in the corner before you give it up, take off your shoes and show the world your cracked heels and hammer toes.
SIZING: The high-street myth
Billions of women bow down daily to the altar of size, basing their mood and general sense of self on whether or not they are able to fit into the size 10 trousers today. If it's a yes, you'll skip down the street to the bus stop, patting small children on the head and waving jauntily to the newsagent as if you were starring in a Judy Garland musical. Can't even get them over your thighs? A cloud as dark as pitch swamps your horizon, you're filled with self-loathing and disgust and cancel that lunch with your friend because you have decided never to eat again.
Yet sizes alter between shops and designers because there are no stipulations about what the measurements are – everyone knows that one store's size 10 is another's size 12. Many high-street stores need to bear in mind that a large majority of their customers are teenagers and therefore their sizes have to be a little smaller to avoid putting negative digits on some of their labels. But that does seem a bit tough on the adult shopper.
So although sizes should not be seen as a negative reflection on your personal appearance, they should, nonetheless, be taken pretty personally. A store whose sizes seem to be so angrily unwelcoming is a store that is saying it doesn't want you as a customer. Respond in kind with a spin on your heel and your purse remaining tucked inside your whatever-sized jeans.
VANITY: The joys thereof?
When people knock fashion the most common criticism is that it's a vain, self-obsessed pursuit. But the fact is that feeling pride in one's appearance instils happiness and self-confidence. I concede that at times this does cross over into extremes resulting in quite the opposite, with women labouring under a lifetime curse of self-hatred and physical contortion – and this is very wrong. But it seems similarly anti-female to insist that in order to be a true feminist, one is not allowed to have any vanity. This is just a breath away from the old anti-feminist stereotype about hairy armpits which has made a current generation of girls loath to describe themselves as feminists in case this makes them sound in favour of body hair as opposed to equal pay.
Patriarchal society or not, everyone likes to look good. Even Ann Widdecombe went blond, and, as this proves, this is not just about looking good for the boys – it's about looking in the mirror and having a little smile. DATES and why they are the one event for which you really needn't worry about what you wear. Of course you want to look nice, but you know what looks best of all? You feeling comfortable, relaxed and confident about your appearance. You could find the shortest, slinkiest, sexiest dress in the world, but if you spend the whole evening tugging at your cleavage and pulling down the hem you may as well have worn a sack for all the seductive signals you're giving out.
Don't wear stupid shoes you can't walk in, and don't wear anything that will give you hypothermia; just stick with an old favourite that always makes you feel good and has garnered you compliments in the past. A girl laughing and dancing and making sparkly conversation = attractive; a girl whingeing about being cold and insisting on getting a taxi for a 200-yard journey = a colossal pain.
Taken from The Meaning of Sunglasses: A Guide to Almost All Things Fashionable by Hadley Freeman (Penguin, £15). Labels: bags, designer handbags online, fashion
